Jeremy - Top Gear Mag

[PP]

Seriously, the man is obsessed with James' scrotum...it must be a very fine example

www.topgear.com/content/features/stories/2008/01/stories/07/1.html

[Wyvern]

Jeremy's latest brought a big smile to my face, not so much because of what he said, but because of what he said it about.

www.topgear.com/content/features/stories/2008/03/stories/02/1.html

[maureen]

Hi Wyvern,

I read that article too a while back and thought that was the nicest thing Jeremy has said about James in a very long time. I also liked Jeremy's article that he wrote in TG about Johannesberg and his childhood memories of spending time with his family when he was a kid and the electricity would go out every evening. The one line he wrote, "warm toffee tummy" just sounded so sweet and made me think of how cute he looks when he looks up, with a small closed-mouth smile (especially when he has food in his mouth), and has that deep belly giggle when he's excited about a new sports car - like a little boy.

[lymaze]

Ah Jeremy. The man is on my mind too much. Heaven help him if I ever meet him. (I will probably walk in the opposite direction actually but still. )

[Wyvern]

I have to admit, Maureen, the "warm toffee tummy" line got me too. When I was little we always had to have the candles to hand as even in the late 70s I remember the electricity being somewhat unreliable. I remember playing hands of gin with my mother by candlelight on dark evenings and how everything felt somehow safe and cocooned from the world. "Warm toffee tummy" sums it up perfectly.

[maureen]

Hello again Wyvern,

How was your Friday? Mine was alright. Yeah, I remember those times too, granted where I lived it usually happened during thunder storms and hurricanes. I was scared of the dark as a kid, so having a candle or torch helped alot during those times. I loved snuggling up with my parents and playing Rummy with my grandmother when I was staying over at her house during those times. Wonderful memories. :-)

[Wyvern]

My Friday was full of work. As was my Saturday. Sunday's looking much the same! And then I must wite some fic durig my days off - it seems my readers are getting restless!

[adco]

The electricity's been blinking here all night and my parent's has been off for about 4 hours. We've had lightening and storms though. Funny that you were talking about electricity being out.

Your readers aren't restless Wy, we are just ...enthusiastic! Those last couple of chapters were wonderful!

[janette]

There is a new feature from Jeremy Clarkson on the Top Gear website (sorry I don't know how to link )

If he weren't a man, I would be sure whe was PMTing ;D

[lymaze]

www.topgear.com/content/features/stories/2008/08/stories/06/1.html

It's the yellow car, it's the yellow car. It's a sign.

Now having read it I agree completely. Other people's stupidity/laziness/lack of thought for anyone other than themselves makes this world a difficult place to be in if you have an ounce of common sense or respect.

Can I also say that at the episode we went to see being filmed we were told we were a great studio audience but the lot the week before were hard work.

[lew]

Ly is happy jez has give her a signal and yes remember that ly, he said that at the filming we were at about a recent auidence, so glad it weren't us.....though I still would have laughed ;D

[inky]

Excellent article . Mr Clarkson hits the nail on the head as usual ;D

[dutchdiva]

Aug 31, 2008 11:15:48 GMT janette said:

There is a new feature from Jeremy Clarkson on the Top Gear website (sorry I don't know how to link )

If he weren't a man, I would be sure whe was PMTing ;D

how did you know this yesterday. It was not online for me until today

[maureen]

The man speaks my mind. I totally agree with him about how inconsiderate and thick most people can be on the road. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but I've seen some people just be downright selfish and dangerous behind the wheel. I love the way he looks up in his picture on this article as well. IT"S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK, JEREMY!!!! We sure did miss you a ton!!!

[wildcathammondette]

Really well written! I love his dry wit and the fact that he actually tells the truth and is one of the few to do so!

[Wyvern]

As usual, spot on. And I have to admit, the yellow car made me a) grin and b) think immediately of Ly

[wildcathammondette]

Spot on and right as usual

[ladyshaniique08]

I got the latest issue of Top Gear magazine. In Jezza's column he is talking about massage - saucy stuff! :-P
Jez fact - Did you know that the first time he had a massage by some bloke & Clarkson didn't enjoy it. Then he gave massage another go. Buy it and you can get a free supercars 2009 calendar and a free episode of Series 10 on iTunes. I'm talking about the episode when the guys took the Lambo, Porsche and Aston Martin, and it's when James was driving naked in the Aston Martin :-P x

[ulstermayniac]

Cool! I am going shopping on Thursday.

Also, I can see where he is coming from on the massage thing, I don't like being rubbed all over like that, well, not all the time, but if you are with the right guy, it is quite pleasant.

[maureen]

I think I'll swing over to Tesco's tomorrow and pick up a copy. Maybe I should finally get certified and see if I can change his mind. jk I love massages - giving and receiving them.

[vanderdb9]

for those that haven't it here tis...

i58.photobucket.com/albums/g276/hope_vanderwater/TGA%20mag/JCTGMAGJAN09.jpg

[maureen]

I love Jeremy and his way of describing things. He cracks me up. I guess I can put aside my aspiration of being his massage therapist.

[Vivienne]

www.topgear.com/uk/jeremy-clarkson/jeremy-clarkson-ford-fiesta-2012-01-06?&pager.offset=15#commentsListBottom

Nice fatherly article about getting his daughter a car!

[dit]

What a lovely article. See, he is a proper softie after all!

[crumbs]

Really good article - ticks many boxes.

God I miss James' Telegraph articles though.

[dit]

Agreed - wholeheartedly. Would love to know whether, despite his clearly busy schedule, he intends to start a regular column with any other publication. The TopGear.com ones are just too infrequent!

[RedMoon11]

 Jeremy on: the Maserati Quattroporte



Another day. Another squadron of messages from members of the Twitter army asking whether they should buy a BMW X3 or an Audi Q5. Or for my opinion on the Hyundai Veloster. Or if a secondhand Jaguar XK is a good buy. And the simple answer to all these questions is: I absolutely don't have a clue.

Mainly, this is because it's not 1932 any more. Back then, there were hundreds of different car manufacturers, all trying something new and interesting. Valves were being mounted sideways, axles were fitted to the roof. Gearboxes were upside down, and thick-cut marmalade was being used instead of petrol.

So the job of the car journalist was valuable. He - I was going to say "or she" at this point, but I don't think it's necessary - would puff on his pipe, listen to the engineer explaining why he'd mounted the propshaft to the steering column, and then write a long review of whether or not the solution had worked. These were the days before oversteer became the be-all and end-all of motoring journalism.

Today, the differences between an Audi Q5 and a BMW X3 are infinitesimal. Picking a favourite in terms of engineering is like picking your favourite from two sardines. Or two milk bottles. Or deciding which is your favourite ear.

The only way you can choose between them, or whether you'd like a Veloster, or if the Jag's a good secondhand buy, is by imagining yourself behind the wheel thinking: "Does this car suit me?"

Think of it as a jacket. They are broadly the same. They all have lapels and they're all held together with cotton and they're all made from natural fibres, unless you're reading this in Americaland. And yet the sort of jacket favoured by a German game-show host would not hang well from the shoulders of, say, Jeremy Paxman. It would make him look silly. You choose a jacket because you think you look good in it. And that's where we are with cars these days.

Which brings me on to the Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupe. I drove one across southern France last week, and I thought it suited me very much. I especially liked the all-white interior. It was like sitting inside Elton John's piano. And I loved the snazzy blue paint. And the effortless power. And the divine quietness. I thought it was a very excellent car indeed.

However, after a bit, I was prised from the driver's seat by Richard Hammond, who is, how can I put this kindly, a little shorter than average. And, I'm sorry, but he looked absolutely ridiculous in it. Imagine a mouse driving a Hercules transport aeroplane. That ridiculous.

So is the Rolls a good car or a bad car? It's an impossible question to answer, really. Because it depends on your genes. If they're strong and civilised, yes, it's great. If they're a bit wonky and backward, then no, it's not.

And that brings me on to the new Maserati Quattroporte. Last night, I was staying at a hotel in Saint-Tropez and when I came out this morning, the doorman, to my delight, asked which car I'd like bringing round to the front. I cleared my throat, preselected a volume that would carry all the way to Menton and said: "The Maserati, please."

Now I know full well that to all of the special Russian ladies who were milling about, I may as well have said "The Humperlator", because to anyone under the age of 90, the Maserati name means not much at all. But it does to me. Because I've seen Intouchables. It's a French film about the relationship between a black kid from the ghettoes of France and his wealthy paraplegic employer. It's superb. Watch it, because afterwards, two things will happen. You'll be a better person, and you'll want a Maserati Quattroporte.

Sadly, the model featured in the film is no longer available. There's a new version, and I can tell you one thing straight away. It won't suit you at all if you live in Saint-Tropez. Because you'll spend all day backing up and scraping its door mirrors. It's massive.

There are some other issues as well. The previous model was styled by Pininfarina. The new one was done in-house, which means it looks like...um, I can't remember what it looks like. In my mind, it has no distinctive feature at all. It's just some car.

And there's the same problem on the inside as well. There's a vast amount of space. The back is as big as a football pitch. But, like a football pitch, there are no memorable features. What I can tell you is that much of the switchgear is from Chrysler, so it feels a bit cheap, and that the satnav doesn't work. It, too, is from Chrysler, and I presume, being American, it is completely unfamiliar with the concept of "Europe". So it spends all its time thinking it's in the sea off the coast of New York.

The engine in my test car was a 404bhp twin-turbo V6, and the gearbox was an eight-speed ZF. Neither did anything particularly hair-raising. You can also have a twin-turbo V8, which Maserati say is the fastest four-door saloon money can buy. And it is. Apart from the new Bentley, which is 10mph faster.

I'm going to be very honest here. The new Quattroporte is not really a very good car. The steering is weird, there's a cheapness to the primary ride, and the styling inside and out is way too forgettable. Merc, Audi, BMW and Jag can all sell you something better. The end.

Except it isn't the end, for two reasons. There's a little button down by the gearlever. It's marked Sport, and, when you push it, the engine starts to wail and howl and snarl. It is the most intoxicating soundtrack I have ever heard from a car. It's baleful and soulful and brilliant.

It reminds you that, while the car may be bland and filled with bits of Chrysler wallpaper, its DNA is northern Italy. Modena. Ferrari country.

Of course, you can get great sounds from an AMG Mercedes or an M5 BMW, but they are nothing like the sounds you get from the Quattroporte. And they just don't have the Maserati's quiet restraint. Big German cars are very in your face. They smell of new money. They're brilliant, but a bit vulgar.

No footballer would ever buy a Quattroporte. No lottery winner. It is a big car for people who don't want to make a big fuss. It is for tall poppies who don't want to be noticed. I know a lot of people like that. People who are so wealthy they don't even appear in the Sunday Times Rich List. They slide through life, and no one pays them any attention at all.

Now that the Phaeton has been dropped by Volkswagen, this is the car they should have. It's not very good, but it will suit them perfectly.

This feature was originally published in the October 2013 issue of Top Gear magazine

www.topgear.com/uk/jeremy-clarkson/jeremy-clarkson-october-top-gear-magazine-column-maserati-quattroporte-2013-10-14

[RedMoon11]

Mike Orford, Head of PR at Porsche GB, collecting an award from Top Gear presenters James May and Jeremy Clarkson

/photo/1

[Flying Lady]

I wonder what the Porsche people thought of that "honour," considering that Jeremy Clarkson rubbishes Porsche's design aesthetics constantly.

[RedMoon11]

Jeremy Clarkson on: Car Interiors

I have a friend who is a vicar's son. He works in the City, and is more genteel and proper than a Home Counties bridge foursome. Naturally, he drives a 1968 Bentley Corniche... which he has decided to wrap.

Of course, the news caused a spot of light choking because, obviously, you only wrap your car if you worship at the temple of Wayne and Coleen. It is like floodlighting your house or wearing red trousers. It is a disgusting thing to do... except for one small thing. Wrapping is an extremely good idea.

When it comes to colours, carmakers are about as adventurous as a west London property developer. It's all oatmeal this and beige that. I think of all the work that has gone into the new Range Rover and then I weep when I see the lamentably pitiable range of colours in which it can be supplied. All of them are about as dreary as being dead.

And it's the same story with the new Golf GTI. It's a hot hatchback, for heaven's sake. It should be vibrant and wild. Not the colour of a Scottish sky.

Of course, we only have ourselves to blame. Because, when we buy a new car, we are always tempted to go for something a bit unusual but then, at the last minute, we always tick the box marked Fog Grey. Because we are worried that a bright and zesty car will be worth less in two years' time than something straight and conventional. This is undoubtedly true.

Well, with wrapping, your worries are over. Because you get to drive around in a pearl- yellow car and then, when the time comes to sell, you peel off the all-over vest, and, hey presto, it's a highly desirable grey again. Not only that, but the original paintwork will have been protected from lime sap and bird droppings and all of the other stuff that usually causes resale misery.

A lot of people mock the show-off antics of the rich young Arabs who come to London every year with their wrapped exotica, but I don't. After years of living in a world which is as interesting and as vibrant as living in James May's bottom drawer, it's refreshing to see cars in interesting colours. I saw a velvet Ferrari parked on Sloane Street the other day and I just thought, "Yes. Why would you not do that?" Then a pink Rolls-Royce Phantom slithered by and I thought that looked pretty good too.

I would like a car wrapped in green fur. Though, that said, I've just looked out of the window and it's raining. Which would make the fur a bit heavy. So now I'm thinking about moleskin. I would love a moleskin car, in a deep, rich red, the colour of Burgundy. Or maybe it could be wrapped in graph paper so that it looks like those old BMW CSL Art Cars from the mid-Seventies. Who wouldn't want a graph-paper car?!?!

But, of course, while it's extremely easy to make merry with the Fablon and a hairdryer on the car's exterior, there's not a whole hill of things you can do to liven up the interior. No matter how much Blue Peter-style sticky-backed plastic you have to hand.

Which brings me neatly to the Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupe that I recently drove across southern France. Because it had what is unquestionably the finest interior ever fitted to any car, ever, in all of automotive history.

We know all about the grand masters who create the woodwork at Rolls-Royce's factory in Sussex, and we've heard, over and over, how they use 45kg of paint on each car, and how the seats are made from Scandinavian cattle, because there are no barbed-wire fences in the frozen north on which the bull can nick his hide. It has to be a bull, by the way, because cows get pregnant which causes stretch marks.

So we know that the interior is jolly well made by craftsmen who care. But the interior on the Phantom that I drove was rather more than that. Because it was white. All white. The seats were white. The dash was white. The dials were white. It was like sitting inside Elton John's piano. And it made me wonder... why don't other carmakers ever go down this route?

Yes, of course, there is Pagani, who makes interiors that are genuinely interesting, if a little difficult to actually use. And Lamborghini is not averse to offering customers seats finished in bright orange leather. But everyone else? No.

Every single car comes with innards that are as fascinating as a pair of M&S briefs. Where's the Agent Provocateur thinking; the devil may care, sod-it attitude to conventions and norms?

And I don't mean the layout. Peugeot may think it's been very funky and clever, fitting dials that you look at over the top of the steering wheel. But to achieve this effect, the wheel is mounted so low down that if you had a head-on crash, the airbag would probably burst your testes.

Then we have Citroen, who are past masters at idiosyncratic interior design. In the CX, they mounted the stereo vertically, between the seats where the cassette receptacle would fill with ash, crumbs and bits of Double Decker chocolate bars until it didn't work any more. Then they mounted the indicator switch on the instrument binnacle. Lovely. Except that it didn't self-cancel.

Today, they're still at it, fitting the C5 with a vast range of attractively laid-out buttons. Unfortunately, there are so many, they really have struggled to find them all jobs. I think each radio station has its own knob. Certainly, that's true of Radio 1.

And herein lies the issue. Carmakers - and I'd include Ferrari in this, with its stupid multi- purpose steering wheel - think that we want a whole new command and control system. But we don't. We want the indicators on stalks, the dials in a binnacle, electric window switches in the doors and the satnav screen in the middle of the car so it can be read by passengers as well. We like this convention because it's tried and it's tested, and it works.

What I would like, though, is some proper alternative thinking with design. A better range of colours and a bigger choice of materials for the seats, because, when you think about it, leather's a bit limiting. And a bit DFS as well, if I'm honest.

Yes, you get the occasional fast hatch which comes with lime-green inserts on the dash or red seatbelts. But these things are a bit childish. Bright flashes work just fine on a washbag or a funky new razor. But in a car? Where you spend many hours of your life? No.

Look at all the fabrics available in a furniture shop, or Liberty. Look at all the different dining- room tables you can buy. Look at the limitless range of colours you can paint the inside of your house. And you start to wonder why your car's innards are always, always, always grey.

www.topgear.com/uk/jeremy-clarkson/clarkson-on-car-interiors-2013-11-27