My Jeremy Clarkson Top Gear Adventure!

[othercheryl]

I took my mom to a doctor’s appointment and on the way back, my Jeep started acting like a giant was pushing against the front end and my MPG plummeted to 5, which is terrible even by Jeep standards.

I thought it was just the ‘death wobble’ – which is one of those things that can happen with Jeeps and to the best of my knowledge, Chrysler hasn’t yet acknowledged it. You can Google it, though. It’s happened to plenty of Jeep owners and there’s no fix except to hit the brake or ease off the accelerator and pray. It doesn’t happen often, you can never predict it, and it doesn’t happen at any certain speed. Believe it or not, you can train yourself to get used to it.

What happens is that the rotation of the tires sets up a certain harmonic resonance, which:

1. Feels like a giant is pushing against your car or you’re driving into a wind tunnel.
2. Gas mileage drops like a stone.
3. Entire vehicle smells vaguely of burning plastic.
4. Exterior of car super-heats to the point you’ll burn bare flesh if you touch it – think about a hot exhaust pipe on a motorcycle. That’s the frame of your car.
5. Steering wheel tries to shake itself out of your hands like it’s possessed.
6. Motor acts like it’s trying to free itself from its moorings, jump into your lap and say, “HELLOOOOOOO!”
7. You poop your pants.

So when the giant made an appearance, I took my foot off the gas. It didn’t work. I dropped mom off and thought – erroneously, as it turns out – that the problem would sort itself when I turned the ignition off. No resonance, the pattern is broken for good, problem solved. Right?

I live 3 miles from my mom’s house. I decided to drive home. How hard can it be?

Turns out, very!

It didn’t take long for the giant to return and bring a friend. The Jeep started making a noise like a two-stoke weed-whacker in the middle distance. The kind of sound where you think, “Is that me? That can’t be me, that’s a weed whacker….it’s following me. Wait, no….yes….no….it can’t be me or can it?”

Yeah, it was.

The smell of burning plastic was a dead giveaway – and the black smoke coming out from the rear wheel wells was a definite indicator that all was not well in my little world.

Long story short – it’s been very, very wet this spring, even by our standards. Death wobble + wet = the rear brakes suddenly and very dramatically drop/slip into the on position, causing a lot of smoke and yet another ruined pair of trousers.

In the 3-mile drive, there are about 15 signal lights on the main road. They’re synchronized, so if you hit a clear green, it’s smooth sailing. If not, you’ll have to stop at every light. Guess when I got to the first light?

Putting the car in park for every single red light made no difference – but not putting it in park and actually holding down the brake pedal made it 10 times worse. The noxious black cloud coming from the back of my car was becoming quite alarming. I developed a mantra – “Please don’t die car please don’t die please please please do NOT do this please don’t die no no no no no no no!”

By now, the Jeep was making a rear-end noise like some kind of demented lawn mower in need of being put out of its misery and I was seriously contemplating ditching her at the nearest gas station.

But then I thought, “You idiot – if she catches on fire, do you really want her near gas pumps!?!?”

I decided I’d ditch near a fire hydrant instead, so at least there would be enough evidence to photograph once the fire department arrived and put out the smoldering remains of the Jeep. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that and I was very glad that I didn’t have to tell my husband, “I didn’t do it!”

I coasted into our driveway after the longest 15-minute drive of my life and miraculously, the Jeep didn’t burst into flames. Smelled awfully close to it, though – and you could have roasted meat by the rear of the vehicle, if you didn’t mind it tasting strongly of fumes.

Shaken, adrenaline pumping, I shambled into the house like a zombie and something so ridiculous that it transcends ridiculous and gently touches the sublime dawned on me. Something that actually made me burst out laughing because it’s just so stupid.

At the time I was struggling to get the Jeep home, the bank was probably processing our last car payment.

As of yesterday, the Jeep is ours, free and clear.

Yay. Woo. Arrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!

Oh, go ahead and laugh – it’s funny!

[devil-may-care]

Since you've given up permission to laugh, I have to admit, I did. But just a little one.

What a horrendous ordeal! But you're right At least it didn't burst into flames. So that's one good thing! ;D

Will there be any fixing it, or has it seized solid??

[othercheryl]

It really is funny - if you'd seen the look on my face, oh, that was really funny! I did not know I could make expressions like that and my eyes would actually stay in my skull...

It's really funny in a, "Thank the lord that isn't me!" way ;D

The follow up: DH went over the Jeep with a fine-tooth comb. Couldn't find a thing wrong.

DH then took it to a reputable shop. They also couldn't find a thing wrong, but at least it isn't like the last time we took it in for the same thing and the man said, "There's nothing wrong with it."

I suppose it's all in the wording. Not finding a thing and nothing wrong are two different animals. The latter sentiment makes me think back and not recall Jeep boasting this problem as a point of pride, even in jest. "Excitement in every ride - but not the way you think!"

Analysis - there is something wrong. If it's done it no less than 8 times - each time progressively worse than the last - it's going to do it again and we're going to have to figure it out. As of now, the Jeep runs great!

The only practical piece of advice we've been given so far is, "Buy a fire extinguisher."

That came from a man on the Jeep board who had the same thing happen but the car actually did catch on fire. Later, when he tried to trade the car in on a newer Jeep, the good folks at Jeep refused to accept it as trade.

All was well in our little world until just this past Tuesday, when the DH's Jeep did the same thing, almost 500 miles from home - loss of power, weed-whacker sound, smell and smoke - but his smoke came from the right front passenger side and up through the hood.

At 75MPH, it's even more frightening than at 30. He pulled over, let the car cool down and wheezed along the rest of his journey an hour later. The rest of the trip was riddled with red-lights and the Jeep sounded sicker and sicker until DH thought he really might be returning home by train the next day.

However, it was *fine* the next morning. Fine. Like nothing at all happened - and his trip home was uneventful.

DH is determined to get to the bottom of it. His is a '98. Mine's a 99. '99 was the year Jeep redesigned their vehicles, which is probably why there's a difference in where the smoke starts billowing and DH is playing Dr. House, Auto Mechanic, determined to get to the bottom of it.

I have a much more simple explanation. Our cars are housed together. My car is talking to his and giving lessons.

[Vivienne]

Don't you know that if you take it to the mechanic it works fine.!?I used to have a Mazda 323 that would start one day and not the next. Take it to the dealer nothing wrong, works fine. Finally in the middle of a snow storm it did the same thing. Had it towed to the dealer and it was the starter. I have not advice on Jeeps except they are supposed to be very good vehicles and last a long time.

[devil-may-care]

Just like your tooth stops hurting when you're sitting in the dentist's waiting room! ;D ;D