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Post by antonia on Sept 29, 2011 14:07:30 GMT
Woman to man
Sex with three people is called a threesome
Sex with two people is called a twosome
I can see why they call you 'handsome'
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Post by antonia on Nov 1, 2011 19:17:52 GMT
A Scouser goes into Dragons Den and shows them a shootgun and a gamekeepers pouch.Peter Jones says "So what's your idea?"
The Scouser says "The concept is simple Peter,just put the money in the f***ing bag"
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Post by antonia on Nov 24, 2011 22:00:52 GMT
A man and his wife went to see a marriage councillor,
The councillor asked the man if he knew what his wife's favourite flower was.
The man holds his wife's hand and lovingly looked into her eyes and replied.
"I know this one.............it's Homepride isn't it!"
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ElerVim
Filthy Mayhemer
"If there is one thing I like in a woman, it's me." - TGL in Sweden
Posts: 598
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Post by ElerVim on Nov 26, 2011 7:43:26 GMT
I've got a few...
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, He says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says,
"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to
get them through the night. When he returns, he says again,
"Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
get cold?"
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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head
of a p*nis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during
sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the
reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it
was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the
forehead.
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Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept
pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would
now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed
of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy
car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a
gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be
less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you
really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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Post by antonia on Nov 26, 2011 11:06:43 GMT
Hahaha, somebody else with humour.
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Post by jess_lou on Nov 27, 2011 9:41:30 GMT
What do you call it when you suffer from a fear of Giants?
A fee-fi-fobia
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Post by slfriend79 on Nov 27, 2011 15:47:35 GMT
Person 1: Knock! Knock!
Person 2: Who's There?
Person 1: Doctor.
Person 2: Doctor Who?
Person 1: Aaaawwww...How Did You Know?
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Post by flatin5th - Knight of the NC on Nov 27, 2011 20:19:24 GMT
I have got 100's of useless jokes like that!  What is brown and sticky? A brown stick! What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No idea (No Eye Deer - Doh!) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by antonia on Nov 27, 2011 21:45:08 GMT
NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys
Rum and ice will ruin your liver
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart
Gin and ice will ruin your brain
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...
There you have it!
ICE is lethal
Lay off the ice and drink it straight!!
You could save a life!!!
And don't forget what it did to the Titanic.
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Post by slfriend79 on Nov 27, 2011 23:13:13 GMT
NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED: Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys Rum and ice will ruin your liver Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart Gin and ice will ruin your brain Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth... There you have it! ICE is lethal Lay off the ice and drink it straight!! You could save a life!!! And don't forget what it did to the Titanic. ROFLMAO! ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by antonia on Dec 2, 2011 19:43:01 GMT
A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a dead pig,
He contacts the police to inform them of his find,
A cocky desk sargeant laughed and said "Did ou give it it's last rights padre?"
"No" said the priest "I thought I'd tell it's next of kin"
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Post by Vivienne on Dec 2, 2011 21:09:19 GMT
That sounds more like an American joke, fantastic.
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Post by antonia on Feb 1, 2012 19:44:14 GMT
A customer asks "In what aisle will I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks "Why are you Irish?"
Clearly offended,the man replies "Yes I am,but let me ask you something.If I had asked for Bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German?
Or if I'd asked for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?"
"Probably not" says the assistant.
"So why ask me if I was Irish?"
So the assistant says "Because your in Halfords you knob head!"
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ElerVim
Filthy Mayhemer
"If there is one thing I like in a woman, it's me." - TGL in Sweden
Posts: 598
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Post by ElerVim on Feb 1, 2012 20:56:14 GMT
Got some more...
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his pants and throws them at her. He says, "Put these on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her underwear and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your underwear!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
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Pulled from bash.org:
<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^
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I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
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<samsim> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
<samsim> and got mauled
<samsim> and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
<samsim> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
<samsim> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in
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omg its zack wtf: my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.
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Post by dit on Feb 1, 2012 20:59:54 GMT
I have sex daily. No, that's wrong. I have dyslexia.
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Post by thestig on Jun 4, 2012 13:17:38 GMT
what's the difference between a washing machine and a scouse girl? a washing machine wont spit your load out!
what do you call a scouser in a 3 bed semi? a burglar
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says, "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her."
Operator, "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG.
Paddy, "OK, done that, what next?
no matter how bad life gets it could be worse. you could be an egg , you only get laid once , smashed once and the only bird that will sit on your face is your mum!
If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle
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Post by aeromanda on Jun 4, 2012 21:42:09 GMT
Do you know the three stages of sex?
Stage one: Everywhere sex - this is when you are in the beginning of a new relationship. You can't get enough of each other and you have sex everywhere. The car, the bathroom, the kitchen table, every where and anywhere.
Stage two: Bed sex - this is when you have been in a relationship for a while and things have become sedate. You still enjoy each other, you still have sex with one another but you only have sex at home in bed.
Stage three: Hallway sex - this type of sex takes place only after you and your partner have been in a monogamous relationship for quite a few years. It occurs when you pass each other in the hallway, scowl at each other and say "F**k You!"
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ElerVim
Filthy Mayhemer
"If there is one thing I like in a woman, it's me." - TGL in Sweden
Posts: 598
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Post by ElerVim on Jun 4, 2012 22:54:43 GMT
Dit, you made me spit my soda out. I keep forgetting that I need to not be eating or drinking anything while on the board.
Men come in 3 sizes.
Small
Medium
Oh. My. God.
Two little sperm were swimming along and one says to the other, "Man, it feels like we've been going forever up the fallopian tubes. Are we ever going to get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "You idiot! We're not even through the esophagus yet!"
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up, run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but none meet her qualifications, so she gives up. A few weeks go by when she hears the doorbell ring. There is a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs and he says, "Hi, I'm Bob. As you can see, I have no arms so I won't beat you and I have no legs so I won't run away from you."
The lady says, "I see. But are you good in bed?"
Bob replies, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
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melly
Filthy Mayhemer
Aber ja, nat?rlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.
Posts: 644
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Post by melly on Jun 6, 2012 8:39:37 GMT
Woman to man Sex with three people is called a threesome Sex with two people is called a twosome I can see why they call you 'handsome' Now that's a good one  |
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Post by dit on Jul 26, 2012 16:18:53 GMT
I met an athlete near the Olympic Park. I asked "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"
He said "No, I'm German... and how do you know my name?"
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Post by toystoriesfan on Jul 26, 2012 20:53:06 GMT
Rene Descartes goes to a bar and orders a drink.
When he finishes it, the bartender asks, "Do you want another?"
Descartes says, "I think not."
He disappears.
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Post by dit on Jul 27, 2012 0:01:23 GMT
Clever......
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