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Post by antonia on Jul 22, 2011 14:37:34 GMT
I'm always getting sent jokes from friends and family,sometimes blue sometimes bad taste,sometimes not but they always make me laugh.So if you hear a goodie bung it on here. (will a mod lock or move if needs be,thank you) Renault & Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it,let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.  Rumor has it that it leaks transmission fluid once a month & can be a real cow first thing in the morning  ******************** I was in ecstacy with a smile on my face as my boyfriend moved forwards then backwards............forwards and backwards.........back and forth in and out. His face was getting flushed and I started to grunt and groan. The he let out one almighty scream........... "I can't park this f*cking car! You do it you smug b*itch! |
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Post by antonia on Jul 22, 2011 20:06:26 GMT
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someones stolen your car!"
Mick says "Did you see who did it?"
Paddy says "NO,but I got the registration number!"
************************************
A husband asks his wife "What would you like to do with my body?"
the wife replies "Identify it!"
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Post by Wyvern on Jul 23, 2011 0:48:46 GMT
Two ends of the pub joke spectrum - one meta, one mediaeval, courtesy of Bill Bailey...
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
"What is this?" asks the barman, "Some kind of joke?"
********************
Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas two for the price of one.
Yet after wine and meade and sac,
Man must have a massive snack,
Great pasties from Cornwalle!
Scottishe eggs round like a balle!
Great hammes, quaile, ducke and geese!
They suck'd the bones and drank the grease!
(One fellowe stood all pale and wan,
For he was vegetarianne)
Yet man knoweth that gluttonie,
Stoketh the fyre of lecherie,
Upon three young wenches round and slye,
The fellowes cast a wanton eye.
One did approach, with drunkene winke:
"'Ello darlin', you fancy a drink?"
Soon they caught them on their knee,
'Twas like some grotesque puppettrie!
Such was the lewdness and debaucherie -
'Twas like a sketch by Dick Emery!
(Except that Dick Emery is not yet borne -
So such comparisonne may not be drawn).
But then the fellowes began to pale,
For quail are not the friende of ale!
And in their bellyes much confusione!
From their throats vile extrusione!
Stinking foule corruptionne!
Came spewinge forth from droolinge lippes,
The fetide stenche did fille the pubbe,
'Twas the very arse of Beelzebubbe!
Thrown they were, from the Horne And Trumpette,
In the street, no coyne, no strumpet.
Homeward bounde, must quicklie go,
To that ende - a donkey stole!
Their handes all with vomit greased,
(The donkey was not pleased,
And threw them into a ditche of sh*te!)
They all agreed: "What a brilliant night!"
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Post by antonia on Jul 23, 2011 10:00:31 GMT
Haha I like the ditty. A couple more
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents?
Cinderella stays out until midnight,
Pinocchio does nothing but tell lies and
Snow White lives with 7 men!
************************
Why do people always make jokes insinuating people that people who like cryons are crazy?
I like my crayons,especially the blue one,
It tastes like grapes.
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Post by pie on Jul 23, 2011 10:44:51 GMT
A corny one doing the rounds on the email chains at the moment (did make me laugh though)... Patrick was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.. Sadly, Patrick did not realise that the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Patrick dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.......................................... Wait for it! Wait for it! Wait for it! ************************ OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!  ;D |
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Post by jess_lou on Jul 23, 2011 11:37:38 GMT
This one makes me giggle...hope no one is offended by blonde jokes :/
Three mums were together discussing their teenage daughters. The brunette mum says, " I found a bottle of vodka in my girls room. I didn't know she was drinking!" the red head mother says," I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters room. I didn't know she had started smoking". The blonde mother says, " I found condoms in my daughters room. I didn't know she had a co*k!"
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Post by pie on Jul 23, 2011 11:48:04 GMT
This one makes me giggle...hope no one is offended by blonde jokes :/ Three mums were together discussing their teenage daughters. The brunette mum says, " I found a bottle of vodka in my girls room. I didn't know she was drinking!" the red head mother says," I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters room. I didn't know she had started smoking". The blonde mother says, " I found condoms in my daughters room. I didn't know she had a co*k!"  |
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Post by antonia on Jul 23, 2011 12:13:50 GMT
A man talking to his mate in a pub
"I was standing in my back garden talking to one of the student girls when she mentioned that some dirty pervert had stolen her underwear from the washing line"
Mate "Yeah what did she say?
"Well she then went on to add that the police were due any moment to look at the CCTV footage from the camera mounted on the back of her house..............I nearly p*ssed her knickers"
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Post by Wyvern on Jul 23, 2011 12:49:27 GMT
If we can have blonde jokes and Irish jokes, I reckon religious humour is also OK...
This Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath.
The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God’s, whatever lands on the right is mine."
The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God."
The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......."
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Post by antonia on Jul 23, 2011 13:10:28 GMT
Man says to wife "I showed them my chest and got my pension"
Wife replies "Should have pulled down your pants and got us disability allowance!"
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Post by jess_lou on Jul 23, 2011 13:14:18 GMT
A Scottish man goes into a bakery and asks the lady behind the counter, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"
The lady replies, " No sir, you're not wrong, it is a cake......"
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Post by Wyvern on Jul 23, 2011 13:20:24 GMT
I think this one will ring true for at least some of our members...
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn’t work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the bloody hell do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and thought "Ahhhhh, Easyjet".
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Post by antonia on Jul 23, 2011 18:32:37 GMT
Sorry to all the religious people for I'm about to sin,
A priest asks the pope "When is it OK to have sex with boys?"
Pope says "It's legal once they have left school"
The priest says "Roll on 4 o'clock"
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Post by adrianmay on Jul 23, 2011 22:50:33 GMT
A man and a women meet sitting at a bar.
He’s chatting her up and things seem to be going well. So he asks her back to his place.
She says, “Oh, I’d like to but…I’m on my menstrual cycle.”
He says, “That’s OK. I have a car.”
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Post by dit on Jul 23, 2011 23:13:09 GMT
This is my most favourite joke ever! Sorry it's long, but I hope you'll think it's worth it.
A PRAWN STORY
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." Just then a mysterious-looking cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found life as a shark was boring and lonely. All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn't believe his luck - he thought perhaps the fish could turn him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back. Lo and behold - he suddenly found himself turned back into a prawn again.
With tears of joy in his tiny eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse.)
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn’t see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin - your old friend! Come out and see me again!"
Christian replied "No way, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed!....." (you’ll love this...)
...."I've found Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
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Post by thenonsensefairy on Jul 23, 2011 23:30:15 GMT
Okay, here's a blonde joke a friend of mine sent to me recently! A blonde girl calls her neighbor and says, "Please come Over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't Figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns To her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have A nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............. "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." Doh!  |
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Post by chariset on Jul 24, 2011 3:00:15 GMT
Sorry to all the religious people for I'm about to sin, A priest asks the pope "When is it OK to have sex with boys?" Pope says "It's legal once they have left school" The priest says "Roll on 4 o'clock" Eh.... this one strikes me as being in really bad taste and not particularly funny either. Wy's joke reminds me of the story of a rich man who had three friends. Shortly before he died, he split all the cash he had on hand between the three of them and told him, "I don't want to leave this to my greedy children. I trust each of you to make sure that this is put into my coffin so they never get their hands on it." It was a substantial sum, so the three men agonized. On the day of the funeral each of them stealthily slipped something into the coffin. They met up a few days later to compare notes. After a few minutes, the first man gave a sigh and in great agony of heart confessed, "My son has no clothes to go back to school. When I saw all that money was going to rot in the ground, I couldn't stand it; I kept half of it for myself and put in the rest." His friend looked at him and cried, "You bastard! How could you be so greedy? I only kept a third for myself and put the rest in." The third man was sitting with a beatific smile. "You poor souls. How could you be so tempted? I wrote him a check and put it all in." |
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Post by antonia on Jul 24, 2011 11:46:58 GMT
A woman playin golf, teed off and watched in horror as the ball hit a man playin the next hole.
He clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the ground and rolled around in agony,
The woman rushed to the man offering to relieve his pain as she was a physio therepist.
The man said "No I'll be fine",
but she insisted, she took his hands away,undid his trousers and put her hands inside,
she massaged tenderly for several moments and asked "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broke!"
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Post by grizabella on Jul 24, 2011 13:27:51 GMT
This is long and also quite old, but it still brings tears in my eyes (of laughter):
Here is a script that might have appealed to Abbott and Costello if they were alive and performing today:
LOU COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ............
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Post by antonia on Jul 24, 2011 13:54:03 GMT
I love that one Griz,I used to love Abbott and Costello movies.Used to stay up with my grandad and watch them when I was little.
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Post by crumbs on Jul 24, 2011 14:16:09 GMT
Whilst this mentions a British MP I reckon this applies to quite a few Governments around the world!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance .
'Welcome to heaven, ' says St. Peter. ' Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you. '
' No problem, just let me in, ' says the man.
' Well , I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity. '
' Really , I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
' I'm sorry, but we have our rules. '
And with that , St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
' Now it's time to visit heaven. '
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
' Well , then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity. '
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have
said it before , I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down , down , down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder . ' I
don't understand, ' stammers the MP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ..
...
Today you voted.
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Post by Maid of Astolat on Jul 25, 2011 7:32:39 GMT
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says; "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asks; "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies; "It's me......talking to the wine."...
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Post by eolise on Jul 25, 2011 21:01:02 GMT
Does cabaret belongs to this thread as well? ;D Don't watch it if you're religious. George Carlin: Pro Life, Abortion, And The Sanctity Of Life www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvF1Q3UidWM |
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Post by aeromanda on Jul 26, 2011 21:51:20 GMT
Thanks for that link Nat. I love George Carlin. The last time he toured I was gonna get tickets to see him but they were a bit pricey and I thought "we'll go see him the next time he tours". He passed away about six months after that.  He was a genius though. |
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Heartabam
Smutty Mayhemer
Curse you careless air!!
Posts: 451
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Post by Heartabam on Jul 26, 2011 21:55:02 GMT
.....he's dead?
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Post by meimichan on Jul 26, 2011 22:19:11 GMT
He died in 2007. Yep, I was a fan too. |
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Post by eolise on Jul 27, 2011 10:20:38 GMT
Oh wow, never would have thought so many people on here liked him! Ahhhw, that's a shame, Aeromanda!!  |
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Post by antonia on Jul 29, 2011 19:33:56 GMT
A pirate walks in to a pub with a steering wheel coming out of his bum,
the bar tender says "Excuse me mate but you have a steering wheel up your bum"
the pirate replys "Aaarrhhh,I know. It's driving me nuts"
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Post by antonia on Aug 30, 2011 14:42:54 GMT
I had this sent to me while I was away.
PUBLIC INFORMATION ANNOUNCMENT
Are you related to somebody who suffers from stupidity?
People need to understand stupidity is real and should be taken seriously.
You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now.
There is still no known cure for stupidity and sympathy does not help.Sometimes a 2 by 4 at the back of the head helps,but not a lot.
Together we can raise awareness and so copy and paste to your status.
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Post by antonia on Sept 15, 2011 18:06:04 GMT
My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian.
She's asked me to do her hair.
I'm dreading it.
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He was a genius though.
